Okay. This is the last self-pitying post… for now.

After all, most of us are not as happy or as miserable as we think we are. The important thing is not to get bored with living your life or having hopes.

Self-Pitying Post: Contradictions

One morning I woke up with a thought on my mind; a thought that I just realized why am I am here now. A thought that I’m most afraid of would happen to me.

When people ask “Why do you want to continue your Master’s Degree?” or “Why do you want to do it overseas?” I realized that I’ve never answered them truthfully to person asking them. These questions are not without answers that are not thought thoroughly. It’s just seems like I’m unable to answer them truthfully.

The decision to continue with a postgraduate study has never been driven by the thought of money; if it was, I would finish my professional papers instead. For me, it’s just to add to my first degree in terms of the skills that would allow me to explore other opportunities without that qualification barrier standing in the way.

This was a promise that I made to myself. I promised that after a year’s worth of experience in the financial industry, I would continue with my studies. It’s a little over a year now (despite I only gain 9 months of investment banking insight) but it’s okay. I believe that opportunity comes when it should come. Hopefully, maybe, next year will be the year for promised fulfillment.

Then there’s the question of going abroad. It’s not that the education system here is not good enough, I owe my lifetime of education achievements (and failures) to the Malaysian education system, it’s just that (a) the program that I want to take up is not available here and (b) the version of it is not as flexible and extensive as they would abroad.

Then there’s this feeling of me being this worldly person and yet I’m only confined to this one continent that I call home. Please don’t think that I feel like I’m better than everyone else, because I’m not. It’s just that I’m always trying to reach to another culture and almost never get to experience them (my fascination with the Japanese culture does not stop with manga and Harajuku). Sure there’s always the World Wide Web but it is not the same. People talk about globalization and yet, how many people could say they actually experience what they know firsthand? I wish to be one of those who is intrigued, researched and experience the different settings around the world not only as a person who looks at it through the small window.

These are my honest to God answers but somehow when people ask these questions, I’ve never give them these answers. Stupid, I know.

It was that morning that I realized that I have been doing this for a while; probably the reason I’ve never been awarded with the results that I want. This is my utter most fear. Consciously, I’m saying all of these but deep down in my subconscious mind, I may reject it. I don’t know if it’s because something that I fear or what, regardless of the reason, I’m scared for my failure to fulfill my own promise.

I no longer wish to deny myself of what I deserve and yet, I keep on doing it.

I’m currently in a deep, dark hole that I dug myself but I know it’s not the end of the world. All I could do is to do the best that I can do now but for now I wish to dwell in the deep, dark hole a little while longer.

Self-Pitying Post: Acceptance

I wonder what goes in her mind when she asked RockerDad, “Why haven’t my grandchildren come and see me?” I have no idea if she’s sincerely missing us or just because she would show us off to the old lady parked beside her at the hospital.

It’s not like we hate her. We just have a mild dislike for her. We (my brothers, sister and I) have never really talked about it but I can sense it in the way they behave when we’re around RockerDad’s childhood home.

As long as I could remember, I’ve never been comfortable around the paternal side of my family, especially with my grandparents. It was as if we have to compete for their love, affection and acceptations with our cousins who live together with them.

Because of that, I’ve strive educationally. I was never going to be the beautiful one, so why bother? I was never waif enough, never tall enough, never delicate enough. I can only put the bar high educationally. That was what I thought.

When my aunt’s eldest child was accepted into college, my grandma gushed and fussed about the whole thing. During the kenduri doa selamat, she asked her brother to read the doa to give thanks for the honor of her first grandchild going off to college. Bear in mind that at that time, I was already in UiTM and was in my final Diploma year; a point my Nek Su pointed out. What’s more, my brother (who is the same age as the celebrated cousin) had also secured a place in college at the same time.

I was not there at the ceremony but it hurt nonetheless. Not only it’s hurtful because it is insulting to me but also because of the accomplishment that my brother had obtained being overlooked. DivaMom told me this story and acted cool about it but I know there is some hurt flicker in her heart.

There are so many other things that I could dig up as evidence of our dislike; it’s just too much to say. From the persistence of coaxing me into doing something I’m totally against to the teasing of my sister’s inability to fluently communicate in Malay.

Whoever said that love in unconditional must have not met this woman.

As I said earlier, I don’t hate her. She’s flesh and blood after all. Now she’s getting sick and seemingly deteriorating, I guess she might want to fill the void that is the five of us. And as mean as it may sound, I’m not the person to openly give her that. I don’t think I am able to.

She has turned my heart to stone.

In Honor of Her 24th Year

PlumPlum with Jules' SLR

Once there were two friends, Sugar Plum (aka PlumPlum) and Pumpkin Pie (aka PiePie). They were aquainted through mutual friends and they were cordial enough to each other. Upon meeting PlumPlum, PiePie was in awe of her perfect features and rosy cheeks. Those same features soon made PiePie sickly orangy complexion green with envy. Despite PlumPlum’s charm, Piepie was apprehensive towards her.

It was not until a couple of years later that PiePie changed her mind about PlumPlum. She loved the other’s company a lot. PlumPlum was also a sort of role model for PiePie. Even though Piepie seemed to have had an epiphany, PiePie was still envious of PlumPlum’s beuty. As shallow as it was, PiePie was still a teenager trying to learn to love who she was and it only took one person to make that happened.

One day, a naughty boy teased and taunted PiePie because of her imperfect, crooked teeth which was a very sensitive matter (and still is) to her. PlumPlum had heard this and her next words changed everything to PiePie. “Crooked teeth or not, PiePie is beautiful. Not everyone can see that but I do,” said PlumPlum.

It was a simple gesture and I am sure you don’t even remember it. You could not have said anything else that would boost my self-esteem at that time. When you recalled that incident when I had defended you about “baju kurung”, it was nothing compared to what you have imprinted in me that day.

This is for you, love.

Happy Birthday B!

Would You Rather Go Younger Or Older?

Vs.  

This question was thrown at me while chatting with a former colleague as we were discussing of the possibilities (or not) of Christiano Ronaldo gracing the women with his presence while the Manchester United team is in KL for the 2009 Asia Tour. This only came up because she was telling me the story of how her 13 years old daughter find that the fact that her mother is betraying her trust by having a crush on her footballer “boyfriend”. She find it somewhat threatening because let’s face the fact that my 30++ friend is still considered a bombshell.

Let’s consider the pros and cons of each, shall we?

Going Younger

With younger men, I think most women are concerned with the immaturity that these men possess as compared with their older counterparts. They are seen as a trait that leads to reckless abandonment, absentmindedness, an invincible mind set, lack of future outlook and lack of chivalry. When it come to being empathetic, younger men may have a harder time of putting themselves in another’s shoes. A friend pointed out those younger men gets jealous easily and are prone to infidelity because of their immaturity.

Of course, their immaturity may not much be a negative trait. Their carefree nature and lack of responsibilities makes them fun to be with and they let you forget the stress of your own busy life. They’ll keep you updated with the latest trends, music, hotspots and stuff. A big plus for me when it comes to dating younger men would be the lack of potential confrontations with psychotic exes.

My ex-colleague pointed that all that in the pros is good enough for a fling but what about when it comes to settle down, get married and have kids? All I have to say is that; give the poor bloke some time. He’ll straighten up his life and get mellow in time. If you really love and thinking of having a future with this much younger man (and he too is on the same wavelength), I’m sure that you wouldn’t mind being the one in the relationship to wear the pants for a while.

Going Older

When you think of dating and having a relationship with older men, the pros are endless. He’s more often than not are emotionally matured, well read, reached most of his life goals & ambitions and financially secured. His more “experienced” past makes him see the world with a broader perspectives. He’s has more understanding of what women needs, wants and actions. He’s charming and he’ll sweep you off your feet.

Of course, being older, he would likely have this sense of authority over you. He might think that you are too idealistic for the cruel reality of the world. And seeing that he is older, he may carry some relationship baggage from his past; crazy exes, children from previous marriage(s) etc. They also may be cynical of their pasts and set in their ways. Then there’s also the question of “Why exactly is this man STILL single?” As positive as the excuses may be (he is waiting for The One or the death of a spouse), there’s always that tingling doubt; Is he a bachelor for life? Is he a serial womanizer? Is he a closeted gay man?

Do keep in mind that these are my (limited experienced) views. I don’t really stand by them 100%; there are many exceptions including the frustrations when older men who behave like their younger counterpart are in their youths and the delight of finding younger men who are wise beyond their age.

Personally, I have no qualms of dating younger men even though I have been mostly attracted to men who are relatively older than me. The youngest person who I had a crush on was Syafiq, my former classmate. To my defense, Shairah had a bigger crush, ok. While the other girls may not agree, I find his immaturity coupled with his sense of responsibility and hints of budding maturity endearing. The emerging young Hollywood pack is a treat for the eyes as well with the likes of Taylor Lautner (he’s way too hot for his own good), Jesse McCartney and even Nick Jonas (yeah, yeah, laugh it off Yuyu).

As you can see, there are endless of possibilities and it all is subjective to personal preference. So to the guys who read this, I come in peace, and am not trying to stereotype any of you and the qualities above pertain to us women as well.

Note #1: I’m NOT a pedophile.
Note #2: Girls, I’m sorry if you puked when reading about Syafiq.
Note #3: Syafiq, don’t get big headed if you happened to read this ;p

If you feel distant from God, I can understand.
You see, so am I. That I am sure of.
And if you need to cry because of that, I can understand.
I do too.

I promise that I would not think less of you because pining means that you still remember.
I too still remember, even though it’s far in between.
As distant as you may feel you are, I know you are able to come back.
I believe that I too am able to come back.

It is because that we suffer, we would always seek Him.
And even though it is shameful to admit that we only
yearn for Him only when we suffer, the pain of it overcomes the shame.

As far as we may stray, we still remember
Help and divinity comes only from Him, this we are sure of.
If not, why as far away we may stray, we pine for Him?
Who else is there but Him?

When Did Everything Changed?

I was surfing the net and sporadically decided to drop by the class blog. I did not expect to find this. It made me tear up (stupid hormones). It’s going to be almost 1 year soon since the last day I had with my UiTM classmates and a lot has changed for us.

Life is fluid and it moves fast. You blinked and suddenly your friends are getting married and having babies. You go to endless weddings, housewarming parties and baby showers. Life’s never going to be the same as it was before. It’s new and exciting (yet scary and confusing), yes but if you think about it, it’s kind of sad.

Welcome to a new chapter of your life.

When did I grow up?

The last time I checked, I was happy to wake up in the morning and not dreading to go to work. The last time I checked, I can sleep at 2 a.m. without worrying that I would be late the next morning. The last time I checked, I was still excused when I made a mistake on my assignment and not to worry about potential legal risks. The last time I checked, I was happy and carefree and not counting the days as it goes by.

When did I become this adult?

If I could go back in time, I would say to my younger self to make a lot of memories to keep and share, cherish the time with friends and take advantage of all the opportunities that I had once passed.

But it’s only wishful thinking and reality bites in the ass. There’s no turning back. Ready or not, life goes on and you only have memories in hand.

 

Note: It’s a short entry but it feels good to write again =)

Tagged: I Can’t Seem To Publish A Decent Post These Days

This one is courtesy of the lovely B.

Tag Numero Uno

This is me in the office on Wednesday afternoon. Was on the phone trying to find a copy of a 2007 Board paper with no luck -_-”

Law & Order:

 

1. Take a recent picture of yourself or take a picture of yourself right NOW!

2. DON’T change your clothes, DON’T fix your hair..  just take a picture.

3. Post that picture with NO editing.

4. Post these instructions with the picture.

5. Tag 10 people to do this:

 

I’m tagging:

1. Eda Mama Miow
2. Acap
3. Julia
4. Yuyu
5. Syafiq (which I don’t think he will :p)
6. Shairah
7. Liza
8. Tashi
9. Fana
10. Diha

Tag Numero Dos

ONE.

If your lover betrayed you, how will you react?

I’d devise a vengeful plot that involves badgers.

 

TWO.

If you can have a dream come true, what would it be?

Earn billions travelling around the globe, buy an island and retire early with all the books I can read. 

 

THREE.

Whose butt would you like to kick?

… … … …

 

FOUR.

What would you do with a billion dollars?

Spread evenly between:

1. Putting them into investment so that they’ll earn more money.
2. Necessities and luxuries for the family and pressies for friends.
3. A big house with a view, all the books & clothes that I need.
4. Donations to UNICEF and WWF.

 

FIVE.

Would you fall in love with a best friend?

Maybe.

 

SIX.

Which do you think is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

Both. 

 

SEVEN.

How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

*Eyes rolling* Next question please

 

EIGHT.

If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

Nothing really. There’s always another fish in the sea. 

 

NINE.

If you were to act with someone, who would it be? Your bf/gf or actor/actress?

Where would I start? Hmm… Ed Westwick, Taylor Lautner, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Johnny Depp, George Clooney… and the list goes on…

 

TEN.

Would you invite your ex-bf/ex-gf to your wedding?

Yes. Why not?

 

ELEVEN.

How would you see yourself in ten years time?

Landed my dream job *Wishing & Hoping*

 

TWELVE.

What’s your greatest fear?

Driving and lizards.

 

THIRTEEN.

What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

Soon to be Malaysian great journalist. 

 

FOURTEEN.

Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

Single and rich first and married later (hopefully not poor).

 

FIFTEEN.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

Check the time and snuggle back into the pillows.

 

SIXTEEN.

Would you give all in a relationship?

Anyone who knows me would say “NO”.

 

SEVENTEEN.

If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?

May the best man win.

 

EIGHTEEN.

Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing someone has done?

I will forgive but not forget. If I feel vengeful, then I would avenge before I forgive x)

 

NINETEEN.

Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?

Depending on the day I might love being single but sometimes I wish that I’m in a relationship.

 

Whispers from the Heart

Dear Self-Professed-Soul-Mate,

You know I love you loads. You know I’ll always have your back. Despite not knowing who you are or who have you become these couple of years, I love you still and forever will be by your side no matter what you have decided to do. Just know that I no longer be the first one to pick up the phone to call and just say ‘Hi’.

Dear PlumPlum,

I think you already know that I’m your #1 fan. Will always support you through thick and thin (even the unhealthy obsession you have for a certain vampire :p). Worry less, work with less stress and try to be more your chirpy self. I love you loads.

Dear Perpetual Driver, Dimples, Glamour Puss and Dancing Freak,

I love laughing with you guys over silly things. More when we do silly things together. I seriously miss ‘us’.

Dear Girly Girls,

I know that I might not be close to you as I do to some but I love you just as much. Be safe. Be happy. Make sure we meet up soon because I miss you dearly (especially one cat owner and soon-to-be teacher whom almost always miss our outings).

Dear Soon-to-Be-Exercise-Partner,

You’re missing cardio. Again. I hate this L And don’t forget that we have a date for pedicures x)

Dear Midnight Companion,

I miss you, period.

The 7 Tag

Since I’ve been double tagged by Acap and Eda, I’ve decided to give it a go (actually, I’m bored to death in the office).

7 facts about me
1. I have a short attention span. I usually find myself lost after 10 minutes into any meeting as I try to keep track of who said what. I really need an audio recorder. Anyone care to get one for me?
2. I can be quite vain now and then :p
3. I support Mother Nature. I reuse, reduce and recycle.
4. 80% of my monthly pay goes to good food and books. I don’t mind spending a lot on these items; just make sure that they’ll satisfy me.
5. According to a professional oppinion, I’m weak. Proof? I can’t even endure a 2.5 kg bicep curl by the 4th repitition of the second set :p
6. I buy women’s magazine to look at the fashion not because I’m fashionably fabulous but because I consider myself fashionably inept.
7. I can’t decide who I like better; Edward Cullen or Jacob Black :p

7 things that I’m afraid of most
1. Dying because of a sudden horrible death.
2. Robbed of the chance to do what I was meant and wanted to do.
3. Not being able to see the ones that I love happy.
4. Lizards *shudders*
5. Being a liability at the workplace.
6. Driving.
7. Being stuck in awkward situations where I tend to feel socially retarded.

7 songs in my playlist
1. Peach – Ai Otsuka
2. Circus – Britney Spears
3. Leavin’ – Jesse McCartney
4. Gabriel – Lamb
5. Girlfriend – Marie Digby
6. Michael Buble – Fever
7. That’s Not My Name – The Ting Tings

7 phrases/ words that usually comes out of my mouth
1. Okayy
2. Gila ke ape?!
3. Impressive…
4. Alaaa
5. Bengong :p
6. Yep!
7. Cute!

7 things that are precious to me
1. My family who are my rock
2. Closest friends who I confide to
3. The Canon compact camera that DivaMom gave when I first received my first and only 4.0 GPA
4. The Tiffany & Co. necklace DivaMom bought for me because of no apparent reason :p
5. My collection of books and mangas. I’ll let you borrow it but do promise to return it back, okay
6. My dirty little secrets >:)
7. My sanity and independence

7 firsts in my life
1. The first and only time DivaMom allowed us to have a pet was a rabbit named Oshin.
2. The first time I boarded an aeroplane and went to a trip without parental supervision was my first visit to Kota Bharu, Kelantan.
3. I would have never thoutght my first job after graduating would be with an Investment Bank. Not really a place for me but I’m coping.
4. The first big lie I ever told was back in school in Form 4 and only Fadil, Syafira and Natrah know about it.
5. The first time I went to a flea market/ bazaar, I spent over RM 100 on knick knacks that are collecting dust in my room :p
6. The first time I baked cookies, it turned out crumbly but Naz-chan said they were yummy
7. The first time I wore eye-liner, I had forgotten I had it on and rubbed my eye. I ended up looking like a panda :p