Once, a person hated me because I was cheerful all the time.

Now, even I’m annoyed at my own positiveness. In fact, I’m so positive that I’m glad to have such feelings.

The news that I’ve been waiting painstakingly for so long has already come. It is not good. I can see my dreams and hopes crashing down in front of my eyes.

Just for a moment.

I then pulled myself up, reminding myself that some people have had harder life, even lesser opportunities. I am not giving up with what I want. I won’t let it. If I do, I give thee permission to slap some sense back into me.

To my friends and the lucky ones that gotten good news, I would like to say “Congratulations! You deserved it.”

Now, who wants to buy me drinks to celebrate your succcess and hopefully soon, mine as well? =)

As I drifted to sleep at Wanie’s the other day, I talked to myself (again). I rarely do this outside the confines of my bedroom because I’m afraid that I’ll talk in my sleep. Hopefully, I did not.

I argued with myself on how I keep on waiting and never chasing. A part of me reason that I should do more chasing because waiting has never gave me anything more but more time alone. As if chasing fared better; it only leads to heartbreaks after being rejected.

At one point of our conversation (between me and my ex-housemates) of what we want in the future that night, I asked the “When will I have a boyfriend?” question out loud. More specifically, when will I meet The One?

To be honest, I don’t think of it that much these days; I have more pressing matters that I need to attend to (like the mysteries of Exchange Traded Funds >.<). I guess it was seeing Rudy happily married that brought the sad feeling of urgency to settle down.

Urgency? What am I talking about? Hell. I’m still young.

Then again, I have younger friends that are getting engaged and married right before my eyes. Even the receptionist at the office (who is my age) and my ex-classmate (who is a year younger) are carrying their first child. Despite the morning sickness, I’m envious of them.

Yuyu got it right when she said that it seems that time is still for the both of us while our friends are growing up. They’re worrying about future childcare while we still worry if we’ll get grounded if we don’t come home by a certain time. Point is, they’re taking the next step into adulthood, so to speak.

A male friend pointed out that we could have had all those a long time ago but we don’t because we’re choosy. Excuse me? Don’t I have the right to choose? Look what happen when you just settle for anything *points at Britney Spears*?

Another male friend said not to worry. There’s the right time for everything. A lady deserves to have someone profess his deepest love to her, sooner or later and to have that, I have to wait. Haven’t I waited long enough?

Sigh.

Whatever it is, as much as I would like to think that I gained some grounds by chasing, I’m probably treading empty air. I would rather wait and enjoy my singleness with my girls.

Any of my single girls would like to toast to that?

I have never blamed God for every bouts of emotion that stirred within me. Even when it makes me uncomfortable, restless, agitated with rebellious butterflies wanted to be freed from the folds deep inside of me, I still won’t point an accusing finger to Him. I take it as a challenge that’s essential in my growth to be the strong and persevering person that He had envisioned me be. That’s the reason that I convinced myself to believe in; He wouldn’t want me to suffer if not for my own good.

Admittedly, I have questioned His judgment for giving me the gift of loving another being but at the same time tortured by it. Yes, I questioned it then; why would something that should be knowingly fantastic be the cause of my suffering at the same time. Despite the hardship I went through throughout the bouts of pain and suffering, whatever hidden reason He had planned for me, I learnt about the reality of loving and be loved. For that I am glad.

Every time I start to question the reasons He had put me in a situation so bad that it could not be fixed (not only emotionally but in every other aspects), I repeat my personal calming mantra:

“God knows best and He has greater things planned for you.”

He had made me strong that I no longer cry easily. I would fight even before thinking about the idea of crying over every little mishap. No use in dwelling over split milk. No use in investing time and effort towards the thing that’ll break me into pieces. No use in chasing someone who obviously have hurt (and would probably do it again given the chance) my feelings. I am not a crier because I laugh my sorrows away.

Today’s different. Different because I no longer can laugh. Different because I’m crying. Different because I’m starting to question Him and my mantra is not working its calming magic.

Something struck me deep. The dam had burst and now the water won’t stop flowing. I’m tired and I’ll probably cry myself to sleep.

God, please, make it stop.

This is my confession: I am weak.

I have a bad habit of falling for guys who (obviously) will not fall for me. What’s worse is that, even though I’ve scraped my heart too much to teach me a lesson, I keep on giving them my attention, time and all the while hoping that things would turn around.

Don’t get me wrong; I love being single. I’m all about being an independent woman but I am also waiting for Prince Charming. Someone who would earnestly love me, warts and all. Someone who would appreciate, protect and care for me. To be put on a pedestal, not for him to worship, but to be by his side no matter what.

Recent nights has unfolded dreams of me being in a relationship with a stranger. This is not some dream that I subconsciously conjured up because everything felt genuine (if it’s one that I had manifest, it would be screaming surreal).

I woke up having vague memories of them; according to Wanie (who’s some sort of an expert on dreams), a vague dream is an event that’s bound to happen sooner or later. The only thing that I could remember was how complete I had felt. I have never met him in my life, this I’m sure of, and if someday I do, I’d recognise him instantaneously (hopefully).

Despite the fact that I can’t remember any of the dreams, I am happy that God allowed me to be happy and hopeful as I rest at night.

If I want silence, I’ll whisper. If I want to be alone, I’ll go. If I like rejection I wouldn’t have chosen to go and if I don’t like you, you’ll know.

Do you like to see me broken just to prove that I care? No one likes a sad face so by excusing myself, I hope that you would be happy always.

Over the years, I have been told that I am too westernized; that I don’t have an ounce of Malay-ness in me. Are you kidding me?

I can read and write in Jawi. I can speak and write in Malay (even though it’s questionable) and am not ashamed of it. I don’t think I would appear stupid if I do. It’s just so happens that English is my language of choice. Plus, I don’t swear in Malay; I don’t want to degrade the language.

I can be loud and opinionated but I’m also shy and demure. It’s not pretentious because I am shy and demure.

I have never disrespect my elders. Despite my rebel nature to not conform, I’m always obedient. I never raise my voice to them. I don’t want to be accused of being a anak derhaka.

Yes, I’ve been into non-muhrim men’s house without supervision of theirs or mine muhrim (egads!). Yes, I’ve spent my time there into the ungodly hours of the day. Still, I make sure that there are other people with us. I don’t spend my nights there, much less sleep with them. I still know my boundaries and still hold on to my values. I don’t sleep around.

I don’t smoke nor do I drink. I don’t go clubbing my weekend nights away. I’d rather stay home with my family. I’d rather hang out with my friends and stay sober.

The Malays are supposedly known for their sopan santun, don’t they? I always give up my seat in the waiting room/LRT to the people that need it more. I always say please and thank you even to the waiter from the shabby gerai because he had served me. How many Malays actually do that? Out of the people I know, I can count them with the fingers on my hands and maybe the toes on my feet.

Sushi and pasta are my favorite foods but at the end of the day, I would still crave asam pedas ikan pari and laksa (don’t ask which kind of variety do I favor because I love them all). I can’t live without sambal; I would demand for a sambal dish when there’s none. Just because I’m a city girl, it doesn’t mean that I don’t eat ulam. My first trip to KB saw me downing a variety of ulam (some of which I never heard of but equally liked); it was ulam heaven.

Skinny jeans, short shorts, tube tops, tank tops and other revealing items of clothing are not what I wear (I wouldn’t even if I could). I dress modestly most of the time. I prefer baju kurungs and kebayas. I also know how to wear my kain batik gracefully without the help of belts or strings.

I have friends from all three major races of different genders, backgrounds, socio-economy standings and marital status in the country. I also have friends from other parts of the world. I love knowing new people. I treat them equally and without any prejudice.

I rarely listen to Malay songs or watch Malay movies. I have a strong dislike for Mawi and even though I love UiTM, I hate the movies one of its lecturers produces. However, I do support the industry. I listen to Estranged (I think the drummer’s hot ^^), Hujan, Meet Uncle Hussain and recently Flow (okay, this may be biased because Jijot’s the front man ^^) and hope that they’ll go far. I loved watching Sepet and Cinta. Jangan Pandang Belakang written by Pierre Andre was great. I haven’t watched all of the movies he has played in but I have a soft spot for Afdlin Shauki.

Yes, I prefer English movies and music but I’m not jakun when I see Caucasians, the men especially, around Suria KLCC, Ampang or Bangsar. I don’t stop and stare (unless it really can’t be helped ^^); it’s rude. I don’t throw myself at them like some local girls would. I’m a shy, demure baju kurung clad Malay girl, after all.

I have traveled to other countries and they are tempting but I am a Malay girl and this is where I am rooted. I’m not going anywhere. This is where I want to be despite its imperfectness. I am thankful to be born a Malay Malaysian. Even though I’m constantly mistaken to be a Chinese girl, I never forget my Malay roots. I am more Malay than you think.

Now, don’t you think you don’t give me enough credit?

I feel like Janus; with one face I smile, with the other I weep. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I need some Prozac. What you see is not exactly what you get.

I feel very unproductive and I think my brain is disintegrating slowly. Will someone call me in for a job please?

Please stop asking me when it’s going to be my turn to have babies. I love kids but I don’t think ready yet. I don’t even have a husband/fiancée/boyfriend yet.

Sometimes, I think all that I’m going through are not real; that I’m living someone else’s life. Maybe, just maybe, someone is living mine.

I think I’m not normal. My family and friends are not normal. Do normal people even exist? If it does, what’s the point of being unique?

I’m not anti-social, I think. Society’s anti me.

God! The most emotionally, mentally and physically challenging finals are over. Wednesday, 14th May 2008, 7.15 p.m. marks the last (hopefully) moment I’ll be in class. Project paper presentations ended with Halim and his Yakult distribution

And now here I am. In the AMs writing this post even though I know I should be sound asleep. I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off me but somehow I still feel unsettled.

Things went to bad to worse the past few weeks; academically and personally because of this place that I call Uni. I would get emotional or break down or cry or all the mentioned in one go. Most of the time to the people online (I’m sorry about that you guys). Still, as traumatic it seems, I think I’m going to miss the place.

This is the acknowledgment that I wrote in my paper:

I would like to convey my most heartfelt gratitude for the following:

Project Paper supervisors, Assc. Prof. Mohd Hanafi Tumin, Miss Haslifah Hasim @ Hashim and Miss Shamshimah Samsuddin for their wisdom and guidance, and most importantly, their patience, in helping me make this possible.

My parents; Mohd Ghazali Zainal Abidin and Noorliza Salleh, and also my siblings, for their love and support throughout my studies.

Close friends; Baiti Hamdan, Fadillah Mahmud, Anwar Sharuddin and Ashraf Saim, for their never ending support and belief in me. To the friends that I get my strength from – my CS222 classmates especially Saiful Dzulkifli, Fhadilla Hasbu, Shairah Johari, Hilwani Zainudin, Sarahiza Mohmad, Faizah Yaacob and Ayuni Amir.

Louisa Carolla from Kansas City, Missouri and Ciel Vartalis from Lamia, Greece for their never ending wonderful ideas in the early mornings. Ash Heffernan from Sydney, Australia who instinctively never fails to cheer and lift my spirits up when I need it the most.

Lastly, the people who have assisted and entertained me in gathering the details of my studies. Thank you for your time and patience.

This paper would have not happen without the help of the mentioned.

Nadia Nadira Mohd Ghazali
May 2008

I am still here. Bags unpacked. Finding it hard to leave.

Everybody hugged and some (almost) cried. Me being me, I’m always the cool chick even though I know I’m going to miss these people. I gave them my best bear hugs and air kissed like we’re never going to see each other again. I shed a tear when Shairah hugged me. This is one person who have been through it all with me since Day 1 here in UiTM. Even I’m not that much of an ice queen when it comes to this.

Confession: I’m a closeted nostalgic, emotional being.

Now rosak my ‘cool chick’ rep =P

Five years has quickly gone by even though sometimes it felt like forever. The day I arrived at UiTM Shah Alam for orientation week is still fresh in my memory. The sound. The sight. The confusion. The what-the-hell-is-going-on feel. The day I stepped into the faculty still lingers around me.

Finals are looming. The first paper has passed last Tuesday and still, 3 more to go. On 15^th May, project paper presentation is scheduled in my diary. After that, all ties with UiTM will be cut off. In short, I’ll graduate by the end of May. I’m happy but sad at the same time.

I still remember how scared I was of the program. Credit goes to En. Md Said. He said, “Those who did not choose Actuarial Science as their first choice won’t be able to go through this program with much success.” I cried in my room that night, wishing I could just go home. Then when classes commenced, I was determine to prove him wrong. That was during Diploma years and I graduated 3^rd in class. The Degree program is way much harder but I’m surviving through it all.

En. Nazrul said that his objectives with my batch are a failure. That was hard to hear. Still, I’m quite happy with myself because I had overcome something that I wanted to achieve. Dreams and Reality are two different things. At least, I have succeeded in one.

Two years has passed since I joined the younger set of classmates. Honestly, I didn’t like them that much at the beginning and I felt insecure. They had been put on a pedestal by the lecturers that I thought I could never climb. Turns out, they’re actually not that bad once you get to know them. I love every one of them, if not as much as I do my Diploma classmates, at least a little.

To my classmates, thanks so much for all the things that we’ve been through the last 2 years. Three words; We’ve made it! I do hope we’ll stay in touch. I know Yuni will =P

To my lecturers, I know I sometimes disappoint you but I am grateful that you’ve been around to support all of us.

To all my non-actuarial friends, it’s a blast knowing you guys. I hope you do well and keep in touch ok?

This is how I’m feeling now, we’ll see if it changes on the 15^th ok?

With two friendship fallouts last year, I didn’t expect to have some more this year. *Sigh* If I felt suffocated last year, this time I feel cheated, betrayed and disappointed in the friendship.

I wouldn’t mind so much if she dug around my laptop but not only had she done that, she impersonated me online. It would be so much better if she had stolen all my money rather than pretending to be me and talked to my friends. Some of them were really dumbfounded why I was behaving so out of character. So much for no drama in my life; this is the makings of a soap opera.

I had confronted her last night. To say that the meeting went on great and everything was back as normal is far from reality. She didn’t regret what she had done. She did however admittedly confess that she had done what I have accused her to, that much I am glad. Maybe there is still hope for her.

I’m the one with the biggest head and she’s the one on my right.

I really don’t understand her reasons for doing so even after she had explained why she did it in the first place. I mean, we have been together since kindie. We weren’t the best of friends but she is one of the ones I’ve learn to trust after all the years of friendship. Her reason? “You forced me to do it.”

According to her, I’ve changed so much and I was a different person all together when I stepped into uni years. To her I had become more secretive of my supposedly new friends, more presentable, more outspoken, and wittier. In short, I was becoming someone that she could no longer upstage. Up to this point, I still can’t see her motives.

In time she said that I always get the attention. I had become more noticeable to the boys, the only thing that she could do better than me. I was confused, yes. What does that have to do with her impersonating me? Her boyfriend had broken up with her 3 years ago and she blamed it on me (only did I know this last night). She said I had charmed him when in fact I had never spoken no more than 10 times to the lad before the break up. She assumed that because he had mentioned IM-ing me online. O.o

True, I continued to converse with him after that but nothing had sparked. The girl has since then been cloning me; from the way I dress, the way I walk and the way I talk. The only thing that she didn’t get her hands on were my friends; offline and online. That is before she had my laptop which I had trusted her to keep an eye on. She went online and IM-ing most of my friends then.

That was her so-called revenge, as crazy and irrational that it may sound. She knew that once I knew what had happened I would go round apologizing to these people. The result that she had hoped for is that they’ll feel betrayed and manipulated. I hate how she was right about how I would react and what would have happen when I did.

She had her revenge and I was lost for words. This was the person that I had trusted and loved. I told her that I had forgiven her, hoped that she would one day feel at least regretful for what she had done and that I never want to see her again. With that I got up and left.

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. I was tired of the whole thing. I was sad. I was heart-broken. Nothing made me feel better. Not even Nenek’s traditional remedy that always makes me feel like I could take on the world.

Thing is, not only did I lost her as a friend, I had also lost some of the few that I got to know online. IKe and BlackLily, to be exact.

Even so she says that these friendships shouldn’t matter much to me but they are. Some of these people means a lot to me; Lou, Ciel, Jules and Ike. I had known them not only for some few months but I’ve known them years. Between us, joys have been shared, tears have been shed, and long distance phone calls have been exchanged. These people are my friends through the good and the bad even though I’ve never met them (with the exception of Lou). I was upset when IKe wanted to have some distance and even more so when I had called, he still wouldn’t let it go. He had shared something very personal with ‘me’ that night. Up until now, I still have no idea what it was.

That was one of the things that bummed me too. I felt cheated of their time and theirs of mine. I tried so hard to go online that few days.

People that I just getting to know was stun to say the least. I really am sorry for what she did with BlackLily, Neesa, Izmer and Yula. I’m not cool about it and I am not calm. There’s only so much that I can portray with words online. I’m no Shakespeare or Bates who has the power to covey strong emotions with words TT-TT The only comfort that I can give these people are just the fact that she did not extort anything that have been exchanged and my words that this would not happen again. It’s hard I know to trust again but I really hope that everything would be mended.

Ciel asked, how could she do me so well (even he was fooled for 3 hours and he already knew me for 4 years). I guess she had study me so well; the time I spent with her, through my blog (DivaMom would say “I told you so” if I tell her this) and through her observation, I think. I did start noticing the cloning but I wasn’t aware that it would end up to this.

Right now, I don’t know what else to do. I’ve lost my appetite. I can’t concentrate on studying even though my first final paper starts on Tuesday. I can’t even sleep well. I’m a train wreck to say the least. In the end, all that I have are just my prayers and the ones from the ones who know about this.

P/s: Thanks Ciel for the pick-me-up email. I really needed that =)