Self-Pitying Post: Contradictions

One morning I woke up with a thought on my mind; a thought that I just realized why am I am here now. A thought that I’m most afraid of would happen to me.

When people ask “Why do you want to continue your Master’s Degree?” or “Why do you want to do it overseas?” I realized that I’ve never answered them truthfully to person asking them. These questions are not without answers that are not thought thoroughly. It’s just seems like I’m unable to answer them truthfully.

The decision to continue with a postgraduate study has never been driven by the thought of money; if it was, I would finish my professional papers instead. For me, it’s just to add to my first degree in terms of the skills that would allow me to explore other opportunities without that qualification barrier standing in the way.

This was a promise that I made to myself. I promised that after a year’s worth of experience in the financial industry, I would continue with my studies. It’s a little over a year now (despite I only gain 9 months of investment banking insight) but it’s okay. I believe that opportunity comes when it should come. Hopefully, maybe, next year will be the year for promised fulfillment.

Then there’s the question of going abroad. It’s not that the education system here is not good enough, I owe my lifetime of education achievements (and failures) to the Malaysian education system, it’s just that (a) the program that I want to take up is not available here and (b) the version of it is not as flexible and extensive as they would abroad.

Then there’s this feeling of me being this worldly person and yet I’m only confined to this one continent that I call home. Please don’t think that I feel like I’m better than everyone else, because I’m not. It’s just that I’m always trying to reach to another culture and almost never get to experience them (my fascination with the Japanese culture does not stop with manga and Harajuku). Sure there’s always the World Wide Web but it is not the same. People talk about globalization and yet, how many people could say they actually experience what they know firsthand? I wish to be one of those who is intrigued, researched and experience the different settings around the world not only as a person who looks at it through the small window.

These are my honest to God answers but somehow when people ask these questions, I’ve never give them these answers. Stupid, I know.

It was that morning that I realized that I have been doing this for a while; probably the reason I’ve never been awarded with the results that I want. This is my utter most fear. Consciously, I’m saying all of these but deep down in my subconscious mind, I may reject it. I don’t know if it’s because something that I fear or what, regardless of the reason, I’m scared for my failure to fulfill my own promise.

I no longer wish to deny myself of what I deserve and yet, I keep on doing it.

I’m currently in a deep, dark hole that I dug myself but I know it’s not the end of the world. All I could do is to do the best that I can do now but for now I wish to dwell in the deep, dark hole a little while longer.

Self-Pitying Post: Acceptance

I wonder what goes in her mind when she asked RockerDad, “Why haven’t my grandchildren come and see me?” I have no idea if she’s sincerely missing us or just because she would show us off to the old lady parked beside her at the hospital.

It’s not like we hate her. We just have a mild dislike for her. We (my brothers, sister and I) have never really talked about it but I can sense it in the way they behave when we’re around RockerDad’s childhood home.

As long as I could remember, I’ve never been comfortable around the paternal side of my family, especially with my grandparents. It was as if we have to compete for their love, affection and acceptations with our cousins who live together with them.

Because of that, I’ve strive educationally. I was never going to be the beautiful one, so why bother? I was never waif enough, never tall enough, never delicate enough. I can only put the bar high educationally. That was what I thought.

When my aunt’s eldest child was accepted into college, my grandma gushed and fussed about the whole thing. During the kenduri doa selamat, she asked her brother to read the doa to give thanks for the honor of her first grandchild going off to college. Bear in mind that at that time, I was already in UiTM and was in my final Diploma year; a point my Nek Su pointed out. What’s more, my brother (who is the same age as the celebrated cousin) had also secured a place in college at the same time.

I was not there at the ceremony but it hurt nonetheless. Not only it’s hurtful because it is insulting to me but also because of the accomplishment that my brother had obtained being overlooked. DivaMom told me this story and acted cool about it but I know there is some hurt flicker in her heart.

There are so many other things that I could dig up as evidence of our dislike; it’s just too much to say. From the persistence of coaxing me into doing something I’m totally against to the teasing of my sister’s inability to fluently communicate in Malay.

Whoever said that love in unconditional must have not met this woman.

As I said earlier, I don’t hate her. She’s flesh and blood after all. Now she’s getting sick and seemingly deteriorating, I guess she might want to fill the void that is the five of us. And as mean as it may sound, I’m not the person to openly give her that. I don’t think I am able to.

She has turned my heart to stone.

In Honor of Her 24th Year

PlumPlum with Jules' SLR

Once there were two friends, Sugar Plum (aka PlumPlum) and Pumpkin Pie (aka PiePie). They were aquainted through mutual friends and they were cordial enough to each other. Upon meeting PlumPlum, PiePie was in awe of her perfect features and rosy cheeks. Those same features soon made PiePie sickly orangy complexion green with envy. Despite PlumPlum’s charm, Piepie was apprehensive towards her.

It was not until a couple of years later that PiePie changed her mind about PlumPlum. She loved the other’s company a lot. PlumPlum was also a sort of role model for PiePie. Even though Piepie seemed to have had an epiphany, PiePie was still envious of PlumPlum’s beuty. As shallow as it was, PiePie was still a teenager trying to learn to love who she was and it only took one person to make that happened.

One day, a naughty boy teased and taunted PiePie because of her imperfect, crooked teeth which was a very sensitive matter (and still is) to her. PlumPlum had heard this and her next words changed everything to PiePie. “Crooked teeth or not, PiePie is beautiful. Not everyone can see that but I do,” said PlumPlum.

It was a simple gesture and I am sure you don’t even remember it. You could not have said anything else that would boost my self-esteem at that time. When you recalled that incident when I had defended you about “baju kurung”, it was nothing compared to what you have imprinted in me that day.

This is for you, love.

Happy Birthday B!