The past few months has seen me floating around myself vaguely through every day. I had become Janus; that with one face I smile while the other would weep. Sure, every person who sees me every day would say that I seemed okay; that I’m always my cheery (in my own dark and twisty way) self. Behind closed doors (or more accurately, behind the privacy of my laptop screen), I would emerge into my disruptive side. I was aware of this, yes.

I was afraid that maybe I would be depressed; that I would actually need doses of Prozac for me to be able to feel some sort of normalcy again.

Selfishness. That was the root of the problem that I revealed one morning after a fitful sleep the night before. Everything had started with my own variations of selfishness. According to a fortune teller (of all people) once had told me that I’m a giver by nature. That by giving, I would stay in balance and I’ve been doing a good job of it (I was 16 or 17 then). All I did at that time was smile, drop a few coins and left with Syafira as quick as I could. (This happened at Central Market and who knew what crazy people are out there.) What I’m trying to say is that I think I was out of my balance.

I decided, in the end, to retreat myself to my paradise; the one place that I could actually find some solace. It turns out that all my weary soul needed was to eat, pray and love to my heart’s content. (The fact that I borrowed B’s copy of “Eat, Pray, Love” was not to make it my guidebook but more of a relaxing read. It did, however, provide a good title for this post.)

So here was what I discovered:

In the midst of all craziness that happened in my final semester, I had selfishly denied my body of the nutrients that it needed. I had denied it my time of nourishing it with good things; substituting wholesome food with fast food. I had also selfishly indulged myself with unnecessary ice cream and brownies whenever I feel stressed of the workload. I skipped breakfast (which I never did before), starve myself when I feel guilty of overindulging and snacked on junk in the middle of the night. In its attempt to cope, my body had burnt itself out.

I dreaded the fact that I had to actually cook food (which I used to love) when I came back home. I guess my body had a jolt and was shocked by the change that it made me even more lethargic. During my retreat period, I chow down on loads of fruits and veggies; stocking back all the vitamins and minerals. I guess that helped a lot and now my body had recover from its unwilling slumber.

Religious and spiritual were never words used to describe me. Still, I always try my best to keep up with my 5 daily prayers. In the past months I had selfishly sacrificed God for more time to either finish my work or take time off to nap. No wonder I feel unsettled; my soul had lack enlightenment.

For one week now, I try to amend this part of my balance. So far, I had performed all 5 daily prayers dutifully. For days that I could not, I meditate each morning before I leave the bed. I opened up to God in hopes he would hear me. With that, I had also made sure to recite some prayers before I go to sleep. I sleep better now and I’m less aggravated these days. I’m glad He had given me the chance to be good again.

Did I mention that I’m a giver in nature? I, in the past month, had turned the other way round. I had become selfish in every sense that’s possible with the people around me. I had been selfish with my family, friends and also nenek. I had refused them my attention because I wanted some on me. When that did happened, I get annoyed and did not appreciate any of it. I think for this, God had punished me quickly and severely; what God gives, He takes back. I had lost friendships, if you had noticed.

Someone wise once told me that “To love others, you have to love yourself unconditionally first. Be kind to yourself and you will learn to love.” In one week, I had been kinder and less judgmental with myself and I found it’s easier to do the same to others when you had learned to accept yourself first.

From my little retreat, I have found myself again. I’m thankful of that because I was ready to either be suicidal (God forbids!) or medicated (I forbid!) if things would make me feel much worse than it had.

In despair, I had rebuild my soul from the depth of a dark hole and back to the right path (hopefully). I feel like I’ve stepped back and grown up (Shairah had been amazed by this evolvement). I still think that I’m off-balance but self improvement is a continuous thing right?