How I’m Feeling These Days

I feel like Janus; with one face I smile, with the other I weep. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I need some Prozac. What you see is not exactly what you get.

I feel very unproductive and I think my brain is disintegrating slowly. Will someone call me in for a job please?

Please stop asking me when it’s going to be my turn to have babies. I love kids but I don’t think ready yet. I don’t even have a husband/fiancée/boyfriend yet.

Sometimes, I think all that I’m going through are not real; that I’m living someone else’s life. Maybe, just maybe, someone is living mine.

I think I’m not normal. My family and friends are not normal. Do normal people even exist? If it does, what’s the point of being unique?

I’m not anti-social, I think. Society’s anti me.

Remind Me Again; Why Am I Not Girlfriend Material?

My friend Lou called earlier and we did what girls do best when one of ‘em in relationship distress. We overanalyze. I consciously know that I do this but it’s hard to stop (heheh). Then she did what she does best. Change the subject topic (read: me). She marvels the fact that I’m still single (all my girlfriends do) with me being me.

Reason being? I’m just not girlfriend material.

I’m not making this up. I have been told countless times by my boy friends of this fact. I’ve been told that I’m always one of the boys. I’m the girl friend but not the girlfriend.

Let’s list the reasons down, shall we?

#1: I’m not your average girly-girl
I love shoes. I love clothes. And I love Richard Gere. Still, I don’t wear sky-high stilettos, I seldom wear skirts and I don’t go all giggly when a cute guy is around. This was pointed out by Ashraf, my former classmate back in high school. Apparently, even though I look like a girl, I don’t act like one. I’m sorry to disappoint but I really don’t want to be a giggling fool when I’m trying to impress someone that I like.

#2: I’m too independent
Confession: I hate asking for help (unless I really need to). As pointed out by Ashraf (again), a guy would want a girlfriend that he can help, fix, rescue and protect. I can change a flat tyre, know where the fan belt is and how to replace it, very good with finding my way around (even though it might take a while) and I know basic self defense. It’s the single thing. I’m forced to learn how to help, fix, rescue and protect for my own good.

#3: I’m intimidating
Anwar says I project a certain vibe; I’m way too good for simplicity. According to him, I’m intelligent, knows what I want (this stills bums me because I DON’T) and am not afraid to tell the world about it (albeit not vocally). So I read Paulo Coelho, Khaled Hosseini, and Rumi but what’s the big deal? I read chick lits and Dr. Seuss too. If it means that I’m serious about the person that I am, I am not. I would have a 10 years plan (instead of the 5) if I am.

#4: I don’t like going out
I’m a homely person. I’d rather be comfy on the sofa watching TV, turn on the oven and bake or curled up in my blanket with a good book. I dislike parties and crowded places. I’d feel nauseous when I do go there by the end of the day. If I do go out, I’d rather be with people that I’m at ease with. In Saiful’s words: “Nad, you ni bosan la” :p

#5: I care too much
In other words, I’m a nag. I’m a nag because I care and not because I like to do it.

#6: Experience
Most of my friends that I know wants a girl that’s either have lots of dating experience or non at all. I’m somewhere in between. I’m way too much of something yet lack of certain something (please, God, I’m confused). Even so, I still refuse to reform to what someone else wants me to be (I’m over that phase).

Those are the ones that stick out off my head right now. I’m sure there loads more of it. Still, it doesn’t bother me much these days as it did when I was younger. Anwar and Naz-chan did say that I’d be a good wife and mom but I do want to be someone’s girlfriend before that (I want it all, is that too much to ask?).

Till then, I’ll pray someone’s good will come my way. Soon, I hope. I need someone to drive me around (I do need some help after all). Heheh.

(Should be) Packing My Bags

God! The most emotionally, mentally and physically challenging finals are over. Wednesday, 14th May 2008, 7.15 p.m. marks the last (hopefully) moment I’ll be in class. Project paper presentations ended with Halim and his Yakult distribution

And now here I am. In the AMs writing this post even though I know I should be sound asleep. I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off me but somehow I still feel unsettled.

Things went to bad to worse the past few weeks; academically and personally because of this place that I call Uni. I would get emotional or break down or cry or all the mentioned in one go. Most of the time to the people online (I’m sorry about that you guys). Still, as traumatic it seems, I think I’m going to miss the place.

This is the acknowledgment that I wrote in my paper:

I would like to convey my most heartfelt gratitude for the following:

Project Paper supervisors, Assc. Prof. Mohd Hanafi Tumin, Miss Haslifah Hasim @ Hashim and Miss Shamshimah Samsuddin for their wisdom and guidance, and most importantly, their patience, in helping me make this possible.

My parents; Mohd Ghazali Zainal Abidin and Noorliza Salleh, and also my siblings, for their love and support throughout my studies.

Close friends; Baiti Hamdan, Fadillah Mahmud, Anwar Sharuddin and Ashraf Saim, for their never ending support and belief in me. To the friends that I get my strength from – my CS222 classmates especially Saiful Dzulkifli, Fhadilla Hasbu, Shairah Johari, Hilwani Zainudin, Sarahiza Mohmad, Faizah Yaacob and Ayuni Amir.

Louisa Carolla from Kansas City, Missouri and Ciel Vartalis from Lamia, Greece for their never ending wonderful ideas in the early mornings. Ash Heffernan from Sydney, Australia who instinctively never fails to cheer and lift my spirits up when I need it the most.

Lastly, the people who have assisted and entertained me in gathering the details of my studies. Thank you for your time and patience.

This paper would have not happen without the help of the mentioned.

Nadia Nadira Mohd Ghazali
May 2008

I am still here. Bags unpacked. Finding it hard to leave.

Everybody hugged and some (almost) cried. Me being me, I’m always the cool chick even though I know I’m going to miss these people. I gave them my best bear hugs and air kissed like we’re never going to see each other again. I shed a tear when Shairah hugged me. This is one person who have been through it all with me since Day 1 here in UiTM. Even I’m not that much of an ice queen when it comes to this.

Confession: I’m a closeted nostalgic, emotional being.

Now rosak my ‘cool chick’ rep =P

Here I Am, Bored =)

I saw this on someone’s blog. I want to entertain myself okay.

INSTRUCTIONS: You have to answer the questions provided. But, here’s the twist; you’ve got to answer the questions while listening to songs on Winamp or any music players, with list of your favorite songs in random/ shuffle mode. And to make things even interesting, the questions have to be answered based on the songs you are currently listening to – like for each new question, you gotta hit “NEXT” on your player and see what song comes up next, and from there, you have got to answer the questions and each answer has be based on or related to that particular song.

Q#1 : If someone say “Is This Ok?” You say?
Song : No Air – Jordin Sparks ft. Chris Brown.
Answer : No it’s not ok. You’re breathing in my share of O₂ *Suffocation, much?*

Q#2 : What would best describe your best personality?
Song : Dua Hati Menjadi Satu – Gita Gutawa ft. Dafi (Since when did I have this? :p)
Answer : Err… I’ve you on my mind all the time??? *Okay, next please!*

Q#3 : What do you like in a guy/girl?
Song : Ku Merindu – Ella ft. Shah
Answer : The way he’s not obsessively misses me *Awww*

Q#4 : How do you feel today?
Song : Witch Doctor – The Chipmunks
Answer : He’s been keeping love from me and that’s not very smart L *Be careful of the witch doctor… Muahaha*

Q#5 : What is your life purpose?
Song : Daughters – John Mayer
Answer : I’ve been the best daughter that I can be though I’m no angel >:)

Q#6 : What is you motto?
Song: Sampai Syurga – Faizal Tahir
Answer : The song is about waiting for the person you pining for until the end. So NOT my motto. I’d say live and move on J

Q#7 : What do your friends think about you?
Song : Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow – Randy Jackson ft. Paula Abdul
Answer : I think that means that I can let my hair down after a hard day and have the PARRTAY moving *In truth I’d rather sit back and relax at home xD*

Q#8 : What do you think about your parents?
Song : A Thousand Mile – Vanessa Carlton
Answer : RockerDad and DivaMom is all the way in KL and I miss them. I know, I’m manja

Q#9 : What do you think about very often?
Song : Joy Ride – Mariah Carey
Answer : I love cruising in the car as long as I’m not the one doing all the driving

Q#10 : What do you think about bestie?
Song : Mila Bila Cinta – Mila
Answer : I think she’s perky and fun and lovable *Hugs from PiePie*

Q#11 : What do you think of the person you like?
Song : Realize – Colby Caillat
Answer : I hope that you realize what I have long realized *and please end this misery of waiting*

Q#12 : What’s your life story?
Song : To All The Dreamer – SOUL’d OUT
Answer : The song is about believing in your dreams and that’s all what I’ve been doing all my life. Reality and Dreams as I said are two different things and it’s not wrong to want both.

Q#13 : What do you want to be when grow up?
Song : Dreaming With A Broken Heart – John Mayer
Answer : No!! I don’t want to have anymore broken heart. Sakit tau…

Q#14 : What do you think when you see the person you like?
Song : Break It Off – Sean Paul ft. Rihanna
Answer : I like the song but I can’t understand a word… so, yeah

Q#15 : What do your parents think of you?
Song : Wait For You – Elliot Yamin
Answer : My parents are waiting for me to get a job and get rich *aren’t all parents like that*

Q#16 : What will you dance to at your wedding?
Song : Clumsy – Fergie
Answer : I’ll definitely put that in the playlist *hehehe*

Q#17 : What’s your hobby/interest?
Song : Home – Michael Buble
Answer : Missing people, much?

Q#18 : What’s your biggest fear?
Song : No One – Alicia Keys
Answer : I’m afraid of loneliness even though I like it sometimes.

Q#19 : What’s your biggest secret?
Song : Permysuri – OAG
Answer : I like to be treated like a queen *shsss…*

Q#20a: What do you think about the person who started this tag?!!!
Song : Look Me In The Eyes – Jonas Brothers
Answer : No one tagged me. That’s the problem

Q#20b: What do you think about the person who tagged you to do this entry?!!!
Song : Pagi Yang Gelap – Hujan
Answer : Does this mean the person is gloomy? xD

There you go. I’m entertained