The Perfect Good Bye?

Five years has quickly gone by even though sometimes it felt like forever. The day I arrived at UiTM Shah Alam for orientation week is still fresh in my memory. The sound. The sight. The confusion. The what-the-hell-is-going-on feel. The day I stepped into the faculty still lingers around me.

Finals are looming. The first paper has passed last Tuesday and still, 3 more to go. On 15^th May, project paper presentation is scheduled in my diary. After that, all ties with UiTM will be cut off. In short, I’ll graduate by the end of May. I’m happy but sad at the same time.

I still remember how scared I was of the program. Credit goes to En. Md Said. He said, “Those who did not choose Actuarial Science as their first choice won’t be able to go through this program with much success.” I cried in my room that night, wishing I could just go home. Then when classes commenced, I was determine to prove him wrong. That was during Diploma years and I graduated 3^rd in class. The Degree program is way much harder but I’m surviving through it all.

En. Nazrul said that his objectives with my batch are a failure. That was hard to hear. Still, I’m quite happy with myself because I had overcome something that I wanted to achieve. Dreams and Reality are two different things. At least, I have succeeded in one.

Two years has passed since I joined the younger set of classmates. Honestly, I didn’t like them that much at the beginning and I felt insecure. They had been put on a pedestal by the lecturers that I thought I could never climb. Turns out, they’re actually not that bad once you get to know them. I love every one of them, if not as much as I do my Diploma classmates, at least a little.

To my classmates, thanks so much for all the things that we’ve been through the last 2 years. Three words; We’ve made it! I do hope we’ll stay in touch. I know Yuni will =P

To my lecturers, I know I sometimes disappoint you but I am grateful that you’ve been around to support all of us.

To all my non-actuarial friends, it’s a blast knowing you guys. I hope you do well and keep in touch ok?

This is how I’m feeling now, we’ll see if it changes on the 15^th ok?

Identity Cloning, Much? (This Is Going To Be A Long One)

With two friendship fallouts last year, I didn’t expect to have some more this year. *Sigh* If I felt suffocated last year, this time I feel cheated, betrayed and disappointed in the friendship.

I wouldn’t mind so much if she dug around my laptop but not only had she done that, she impersonated me online. It would be so much better if she had stolen all my money rather than pretending to be me and talked to my friends. Some of them were really dumbfounded why I was behaving so out of character. So much for no drama in my life; this is the makings of a soap opera.

I had confronted her last night. To say that the meeting went on great and everything was back as normal is far from reality. She didn’t regret what she had done. She did however admittedly confess that she had done what I have accused her to, that much I am glad. Maybe there is still hope for her.

I’m the one with the biggest head and she’s the one on my right.

I really don’t understand her reasons for doing so even after she had explained why she did it in the first place. I mean, we have been together since kindie. We weren’t the best of friends but she is one of the ones I’ve learn to trust after all the years of friendship. Her reason? “You forced me to do it.”

According to her, I’ve changed so much and I was a different person all together when I stepped into uni years. To her I had become more secretive of my supposedly new friends, more presentable, more outspoken, and wittier. In short, I was becoming someone that she could no longer upstage. Up to this point, I still can’t see her motives.

In time she said that I always get the attention. I had become more noticeable to the boys, the only thing that she could do better than me. I was confused, yes. What does that have to do with her impersonating me? Her boyfriend had broken up with her 3 years ago and she blamed it on me (only did I know this last night). She said I had charmed him when in fact I had never spoken no more than 10 times to the lad before the break up. She assumed that because he had mentioned IM-ing me online. O.o

True, I continued to converse with him after that but nothing had sparked. The girl has since then been cloning me; from the way I dress, the way I walk and the way I talk. The only thing that she didn’t get her hands on were my friends; offline and online. That is before she had my laptop which I had trusted her to keep an eye on. She went online and IM-ing most of my friends then.

That was her so-called revenge, as crazy and irrational that it may sound. She knew that once I knew what had happened I would go round apologizing to these people. The result that she had hoped for is that they’ll feel betrayed and manipulated. I hate how she was right about how I would react and what would have happen when I did.

She had her revenge and I was lost for words. This was the person that I had trusted and loved. I told her that I had forgiven her, hoped that she would one day feel at least regretful for what she had done and that I never want to see her again. With that I got up and left.

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. I was tired of the whole thing. I was sad. I was heart-broken. Nothing made me feel better. Not even Nenek’s traditional remedy that always makes me feel like I could take on the world.

Thing is, not only did I lost her as a friend, I had also lost some of the few that I got to know online. IKe and BlackLily, to be exact.

Even so she says that these friendships shouldn’t matter much to me but they are. Some of these people means a lot to me; Lou, Ciel, Jules and Ike. I had known them not only for some few months but I’ve known them years. Between us, joys have been shared, tears have been shed, and long distance phone calls have been exchanged. These people are my friends through the good and the bad even though I’ve never met them (with the exception of Lou). I was upset when IKe wanted to have some distance and even more so when I had called, he still wouldn’t let it go. He had shared something very personal with ‘me’ that night. Up until now, I still have no idea what it was.

That was one of the things that bummed me too. I felt cheated of their time and theirs of mine. I tried so hard to go online that few days.

People that I just getting to know was stun to say the least. I really am sorry for what she did with BlackLily, Neesa, Izmer and Yula. I’m not cool about it and I am not calm. There’s only so much that I can portray with words online. I’m no Shakespeare or Bates who has the power to covey strong emotions with words TT-TT The only comfort that I can give these people are just the fact that she did not extort anything that have been exchanged and my words that this would not happen again. It’s hard I know to trust again but I really hope that everything would be mended.

Ciel asked, how could she do me so well (even he was fooled for 3 hours and he already knew me for 4 years). I guess she had study me so well; the time I spent with her, through my blog (DivaMom would say “I told you so” if I tell her this) and through her observation, I think. I did start noticing the cloning but I wasn’t aware that it would end up to this.

Right now, I don’t know what else to do. I’ve lost my appetite. I can’t concentrate on studying even though my first final paper starts on Tuesday. I can’t even sleep well. I’m a train wreck to say the least. In the end, all that I have are just my prayers and the ones from the ones who know about this.

P/s: Thanks Ciel for the pick-me-up email. I really needed that =)

Table for One Is Not For the Faint Hearted

Come end of May, I (hopefully) will conclude my studies in UiTM. Come September, I’ll be a full fledge 23 year old. Around these time, people will probably start asking (most definitely is more likely) the dreaded “When are you going to settle down?” more frequently. As always, my options of answers would be:

1. Pretend to not hear the question, then say “Were you talking to me? Sorry, I was distracted. Oh, excuse me. I’ve to … “and walk away.
2. Big stretched fake smile across my face, giggle and “We’ll see. If not sooner, it’s going to be later.”
3. “I’ve yet to have a boyfriend, how am I supposed to settle down?”

Surrounded by couples (even more so now) has made me realized that being single is not so bad. Unlike my attached friends, I’m free to do as I please. I’m guilt-free when I participate in friendly flirtations. I can buy more stuff for myself and for being a part-time introvert, I can always shun away in my cocoon of solitude without pestering boyfriends. In short, I’m happy being single.

Life without a plus one is not always a walk in the park though. It’s hard when you go to a group meet up and all your friends have their very own arm candy. In that situation, other people may say “Poor girl. She’s the only one not in a pair.” That is the part I hate most; people pitying you for being single.

The times that I wish I have a boyfriend includes;

1. When the car breaks down and none of the guy friends are around to give a hand.
2. Moments of extreme boredom hits and not one of my friends want to go out.
3. When I’m hungry and too lazy to cook/ buy food.

Still, that’s what your friends’ boyfriends are for too

A woman who is single by choice, I think, is strong in her beliefs, knows what she wants, what she deserves and will not settle for less. In all the years in campus, I’ve been single. Not as if that no one haven’t approach me with a proposal, it’s just that I didn’t feel like it.

Having some minor relationships that didn’t work before has made me realized that I wasn’t ready and that I didn’t know what I wanted from the relationship. As years pass by, I think I’ve developed this “standard” of what I want in a relationship and an insight of what kind of person that would somehow “pass” the so-called “standard”. In term of readiness, I think I’m ready to take the plunge.

Time is Short

Been sort of busy lately. Been running around Shah Alam – KL to get data for my project paper. Time is running out and there’s still so much to do. Still, I’m very optimistic that I can do it with my sanity as its price.

The thing that cheered me so far is this. It’s not an official site or something but I like my work being looked at by others. Comments help me to improve for the better.

Tomorrow’s a new day. Wish me luck =)